This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
