Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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