Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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