hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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