Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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