Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
