He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
