I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
