You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
