I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
