Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
