My cat gives me a boner
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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