Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sobbing to NWA
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.