I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
