You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
