apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
