Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
