I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
