I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
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I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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