All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
