Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
