You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
