...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
