she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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