my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
