How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
