she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
4 words: hood of his car
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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