i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
