I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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