They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
