I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
