She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
