you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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