Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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