i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
