That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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