At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
