I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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