Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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