im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
