Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
