ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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