You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
