Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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