i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize