Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
