In the future we'll all be gay
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
They took my balls.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
