I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
