I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
