Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
