Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
