I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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