Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
