i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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