I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Welp...herpes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
