Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
