Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
