i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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