I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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