Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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